Many times, I hear stories of relationships/marriages that go south later on, and the question I always ask is, didn't you see these signs in the beginning? Trust me, the red flags are always there if you pay attention. So before you get attached to them, here are some tips that will help you find out who he is on time.
First of all, be clear on what you want in relationships/life because if you don't know what you want, others will tell you what you want and you will accept it even when it's terrible for you. To do this, write a list of what you want in a relationship. Split the list into 2 parts of compromisable requirements, and uncompromisable requirements. And please don't let it be some dumb shit like tall, dark and handsome and must earn 6 figures because trust me, when you’re in a bad relationship/marriage, looks and money won't matter when all you want is peace and safety for yourself and your kids.
When you first start talking to someone, it's usually because of a common interest. So if you run out of common interest topics to talk about early on, that could be a sign that you're not compatible. And if they're already talking about sex, know that it's just as fishy as if you start talking about your money problems and asking for help in the initial conversation. It just might be a sign that he’s not as interested in you as he is interested in sex.
In those initial conversations, don't let yourself get carried away by sweet words or premature promises. For instance, if he says something like “I can already see myself in a relationship with you”, when the truth is that he doesn't even know you enough to be saying that.
Get to know him better by asking open ended questions. Instead of straight up asking him if he has investments for instance, try this. “I'm thinking about investing, but I don't know where to start. Do you have any advice?” Men like to show off, so if he is financially savvy, he will give you an entire lesson of all the options he knows/uses. This is also a good way to find out his core beliefs about money. Does he have an abundance mindset or a scarcity mindset? Does he save/invest or does he spend lavishly? Does he have bad habits like gambling/betting/day trading? If he doesn't know about investments and/or doesn't have a realistic plan for the future, then run because money is an important part of any relationship.
Ask follow up questions to show that you're interested in getting to know him. Follow up questions will keep him talking and you can learn more about him. For instance, when you ask, “So what do you do for a living?” And he answers, “I'm a Full Stack Mobile App Developer.” Ask follow up questions like, “That sounds interesting. What’s it about?” and, "Do you enjoy what you do?” Now, from this conversation, you can learn that he’s smart and ambitious, and what his work values are. You’ll learn that he is good at problem solving and is open to learning new things, and he earns well.
With more strategic questions like this, you can also find out if your interests align by talking about your interests and seeing how he responds.
In the talking stage, don't give away too much of yourself early on, especially, your income, next move and personal/family secrets. And please for goodness sake, DON’T SEND NUDES. If they ask for nudes or they send you dick pics, they're probably going to waste your time.
If at any point, especially in the talking stage, he’s asking you how much money you have or is asking you for favors that a grown man should be able to provide for himself, then know that there is a possibility of financial abuse with a side of premium tears in the future. There are gold digging men too. The difference is most of the time, they’re not looking for a Chanel bag or a trip to Bali, they could be looking to clean you out financially if you are not careful.
Watch his facial expressions and body language. While it's good to watch his eyes, also watch his lips. The lips are just as telling as the eyes, it will also tell you the things he's stopping himself from saying. One time, on a date, in the parking lot, we passed by a Range Rover and I mentioned that I was going to buy one someday soon. This guy’s lips tightened. It was brief, but I saw it. I asked what the matter was, and you won't believe he told me that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for me to have a car like that because his friends will laugh at him if his woman drives a better car than him (mind you, he does not have a car). What that told me is that he keeps foolish company and that with him, financial success will be near impossible because his ego cannot take it.
If that talking stage is lasting up to 3 months and things are not progressing, then he is already wasting your time. Men don't waste time when they see what they want.
Finally, Don't be ashamed to stick to your list. Men don't compromise on what they want in a woman, and women should learn to stop compromising as well. It's a disservice to you to see potential that is not really there. If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, don't let your pussy convince you it's a stallion.
